Growing up in a South Asian household, I remember watching my mother do everything. She’d wake up before the sun, make breakfast, pack lunches, go to work, come back, clean, cook, help with homework, and still manage to braid my hair with such gentle care like it was the most important part of her day. She rarely asked for help. Not from my father. Not from us.
Now, as a mother myself and a mental health therapist, I catch glimpses of her in the mirror. I understand the pride and the pressure. I understand the guilt. That heavy, cultural inheritance we carry as South Asian women that says: if you’re not doing it all, you’re failing!
The Guilt We Don’t Talk About
South Asian mothers often carry an invisible backpack of guilt. It’s packed with centuries of expectations: to nurture without needing, to sacrifice without complaint, to give without pause. Guilt shows up when we order takeout instead of cooking. It whispers when we take a nap while the laundry piles. It screams when we ask our partner to handle bedtime so we can sit in silence.
And sometimes, it’s not just internal. It comes from the outside too. The auntie who comments, “Oh, you don’t cook every day?” The relative who questions, “You left the baby to go out with friends?” These seemingly small judgments cut deep because they echo the messages we’ve absorbed all our lives: good mothers don’t rest, don’t ask, don’t falter.
Internal Guilt Talk: What It Sounds Like
- “I should be doing more.”
- “If I was a better mom, I wouldn’t need this break.”
- “What will people think if they see my house like this?”
- “My mom never needed help—why do I?”
But here’s the truth: guilt is not a measure of your love. It is a signpost that something needs attention.
As a therapist working with South Asian moms, I often find myself telling them that “The guilt is often generational. Many of our mothers were never allowed to have needs, so they sublimated them. We inherit that survival strategy without questioning whether it still serves us.” I’ve witnessed this narrative countless times in my clients—and within myself. We’ve been conditioned to see motherhood as martyrdom. But motherhood is not a contest of who suffers the most. I believe we deserve to rewrite this script: to make space for rest, support, and joy.
And, “Healing begins when we separate love from labor. You can deeply love your family and still not cook every meal from scratch. You can be a nurturing mother and still take time to breathe.”
How to Ask for Help Without Shame
- Start with Self-Compassion: Remind yourself that asking for help is not weakness. It’s wisdom. Would you judge your friend for needing support? Offer yourself that same grace.
- Be Clear and Specific: Instead of saying “I need more help,” try “Can you handle the dishes tonight while I take a break?” Specificity reduces the mental load of delegation.
- Anticipate Resistance (and Don’t Internalize It): If your partner or family pushes back, it doesn’t mean your need is invalid. Often, resistance is just discomfort with change, not a judgment of your worth.
Creating Boundaries and Shared Responsibility with Your Partner
Boundaries are not walls; they are bridges to better relationships. Here’s how to start:
- Schedule Weekly Check-ins: Choose a quiet moment to talk about what’s working and what’s not. Make it a regular ritual so it doesn’t feel like an ambush.
- Use “We” Language: Instead of “I’m drowning over here,” try “We need a better system so we’re both supported.”
- Acknowledge Their Efforts Too: Validation isn’t one-sided. When you both feel seen, it’s easier to stay collaborative.
Self-Care That Speaks to Us
Self-care for South Asian moms doesn’t have to mean bubble baths and spa days—though those are great too! It can be culturally rooted and personally meaningful:
- Calling your mom or best friend without guilt
- Drinking chai in peace before the house wakes up
- Journaling in your native language
- Listening to Bollywood music and dancing like no one’s watching
- Cooking a meal just for yourself—not out of duty but for joy
- Saying no to social obligations that drain you
“Self-care is not selfish. It is soul-sustaining.”
Avoiding self-care is like a dormant volcano ready to erupt. And its ripples can be felt not only across our own body but through our family and friends. It can lead to increased frustration, resentment towards our spouse, kids and loved ones. It indirectly also leads to increased physical symptoms, most common ones being back pain, body pain, blood pressure issues and weight gain. It causes a loss of connection with our own self.
As a therapist, I always tell everyone that you can’t fill from an empty cup. Resting, nourishing yourself, and asking for help isn’t abandoning your family—it’s choosing to show up fully, for the long haul.
To sum it all up!!!
When South Asian mothers take care of themselves, everyone benefits. A well-rested, emotionally nourished mother brings more patience, joy, and presence into the home. Children learn by watching us—and when they see us honor our needs, they learn to honor theirs too.
Self-care isn’t an indulgence—it’s a radical act of love. Love for yourself, and love for your family. It softens the edges of guilt and builds a foundation of resilience.
So, to the South Asian mother reading this: your needs are not a burden. Your rest is not a luxury. Your joy is not optional. It’s time we raise our families in homes where mothers thrive, not just survive.
Because when you care for yourself, you don’t take away from your family—you give them the best version of you.
Runjhun Pandit, LPCC (Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor) is a multi-lingual licensed mental health therapist, offering virtual care to South Asian individuals throughout California and Washington. Runjhun specializes in postpartum mental health, body image concerns, parent support and new mom support group.
www.wellbeingden.com. [email protected]
