The emotional scars of parental favoritism in my childhood still linger as I grow older. So, if you ever feel that way, don’t worry – you’re not alone. Every single one of my past journals, there it is…at least one entry of loneliness. Growing up with a sibling sometimes meant that I had to become a background character for a specific period, the supportive older sibling. When my brother received just one A on his report card, my parents would dance around the room. Compared to the reactions they gave to my brother, all I got was “Nice”. It doesn’t happen anymore, but I still feel its impact, even to this day.
Recognizing Signs of Being the “Invisible” Sibling
You may not notice initially, but patterns will emerge indicating you’re being ignored and feeling lonely.
Patterns include:
- You are the second thought to your parents (plans are made without your consultation, or achievements are not as celebrated)
- Parents prioritizing another sibling’s needs consistently and constantly
- Lack of emotional validation or attention
- Feeling unseen in family gatherings
- You’re called “Easy” or “Independent” (They sound like compliments, I know, but they are saying they don’t need to worry about you)
Most of the time, people blame themselves; that’s the hard part. They question whether they could change themselves to get more noticed, but the truth is that it’s not about worth–it’s about an unbalanced family system.
The Impacts of Parental Favoritism/Neglect
Statistics show that 40% of people felt lonely in households where favoritism occurred among family members. According to Dr. Mike Jordan in East Lake Pediatrics, “Whether intentional or not, favoritism can shape childhood relationships, self-esteem, and even adult mental health.” Favoritism always comes at a price, even when people don’t intentionally do it.
- Low Self-Worth: When you’re constantly overlooked or ignored, your brain just starts internalizing the message: I don’t matter. That message slowly becomes a mental building block as you get older: apologizing to people for existing, struggling to accept love, and even feeling like an impostor in your achievements.
- Resentment and jealousy: Oh, I know the feeling of this one very well. The sense of anger at your sibling for “stealing” attention, at your parents for their blindness, and at yourself for caring so much about it. But since you don’t want anyone to see you as petty, the feeling is locked away, leading to anxiety and depression.
- Anxiety and Depression: The feelings of resentment and jealousy soon lead to anxiety and depression because you keep those feelings locked away. The fear of people knowing how you genuinely feel keeps those feelings bottled up until one day, it will explode.
- Attachment Issues: When families cast their children into specific roles: the problem child, the golden child, the forgotten child, the kids who are often “low maintenance,” are usually denied the need for help. Thus, they learn to suffer silently, believing that no one will ever come to hold their hand and say, “it’s ok”.
How Sibling Relationships are Affected
Well, you already learned from the previous section that favoritism causes resentment and jealousy in the “invisible” child toward the “golden” child. These feelings of jealousy and unfair treatment can strain sibling relationships and create deeper rifts if left unaddressed. The neglected child might withdraw from their family while desperately seeking attention elsewhere to fill the void..
Moreover, I realized it was time to heal at the start of eighth grade after witnessing the competitive nature of my school in seventh grade. I saw my peers striving for straight A’s for validation, which made me understand that I no longer needed to earn my parents’ attention. Instead, I decided to focus on my happiness and spending more time with friends, rather than seeking recognition for my achievements.
Break the Cycle and Heal
- Name the pain: Acknowledge what happened; you can write a letter detailing all of your misfortunes, grief, and times you felt left out. Your feelings, whether good or bad, are valid.
- Take Care of Yourself: Affirm your worth with loving words: “I deserve attention,” and “my feelings matter.” Treat yourself with care—a spa day, a favorite meal, or that dress you’ve coveted. Become the nurturing parent you longed for and watch as your heart, mind, and body flourish. Remember, your well-being is in your hands.
- Set Boundaries: It’s okay to distance yourself from family if it brings you down. You’re not obligated to maintain contact with those who drain your positivity. Choose the people who uplift you, even if it means cutting out that toxic cousin. Your well-being comes first.
- Therapy (if you can): Having a therapist and attending therapy can support you in so many different ways. They can help untangle childhood wounds, stop seeking validation from those who failed to give it, and help you build healthier relationships.
Studies indicate that favoritism from parents often gets passed on to their children. Laurie Kramer, a professor at Northeastern University, states, “Unless we are aware and take action to break that transmission, we are likely to engage in the same behaviour.” To avoid repeating past patterns, it’s crucial to identify and heal your inner child and make peace with your history.
To Note
To the invisible sibling: your feelings are valid; they stem from unmet needs due to parental favoritism. You were never the problem; the oversight lies with those who should have nurtured you. While you can’t change the past, you have the power to define your present and future.
If you’ve faced this, please share your journey in the comments. Let’s support each other and learn together.
Don’t let yourself become a footnote in someone else’s story. Become the author of your own.
Resources
East Lake Pediatrics – https://www.eastlakepediatrics.com/parental-favoritism/
BBC: Effects of Favoritism – https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20230809-the-lifelong-effects-of-the-favourite-child
About the author: Ruby Luu is an Rcoz intern during the summer of 2025. She enjoys peaceful walks outside while listening to music on her headphones and playing computer games with her friends at night.
